Tuesday, 4 July 2017
Am I Ready?
Namaste guys, what's shaking?
This past week has been awesome with regards to the World Pride celebrations here in Madrid. People coming together from everywhere and just having a good time.
My daughter and I loved going around Chueca! Eating rainbow coloured cakes, stroking dogs and generally saying hi to people.
But come Monday , when the celebrations were over , I was back to my ugly reality.
A partner who is so set in his backward ways that it's embarrassing not only to me but to our daughter. Someone who thinks he can cure a lesbian with a "good fucking" .
The same person who told me the reason I'm having trouble conceiving again is because it's punishment from God for the little bag of witchy tools I have under my bed which has a lock because he can't be trusted.
The same guy who accuses me indirectly of being a bad parent when he's got 3 kids (or 4 depending if the 17 year old named Sebastian is really his !) And one other woman had an abortion because he was a cunt to her.
Yet I want another baby .
You're probably asking why? Everything I just stated above is enough to put me off from even sleeping with him. Why did I have another baby with last time when i miscarried at 18 weeks beforehand knowing that he didn't want one?
Because I wanted one for me not him.
During the pregnancy it was going ok, it wasn't til the day she was born and straight after things changed. He didn't understand that I was tried, I had a baby and I wasn't interested in him physically.
I've changed. I'm more aggressive , I snap at just about the first instance of hearing or seeing something wrong.
I even thought about leaving with a new born because it was too much . I had post natal depression but the baby's father was causing it.
Things got a bit better but it wasn't the same..
Again you ask, why get pregnant again?
Everyone knows that "bandaid" babies don't fix relationships that are reaching the end.
Why don't I give up ? Surely two miscarriages one being in the second trimester should be a sign that I should stop at one child.
Why If I'm so unhappy , even my sister in law can see that I'm only in this relationship because financially I can't cope.
I don't even know. I'm not even in love with the guy like I use to be . I mean obviously I care about him because he's the father of my daughter and we've been together years but most days when he goes to work or when I go to work , I'm glad I can actually breathe easy for a few hours.
I'm currently not in a great environment to be raising my 4 year old, why do I want another baby with a guy that I am no longer in love with?
Because I want one for me and I want my daughter to have another sibling that she can grow up with. That's why. .
I'm 38 years old and I only have one ovary, the change will be coming in a few years.
This time it will be different.
I am willing to do it alone. Go to all my appointments alone, go to all the classes alone , even look for other ways to earn money whilst on leave. I don't want to feel Like the way I have done I all my pregnancies.
The only good thing is that I will be alone in late August. The circumstances won't be ideal and I'm feel really bad that this person is dying but at least I will have time to think about what my next plan is , should I become pregnant for the 6th time.
I am battling this topic on a daily basis. I am looking at this on a spiritual level and I am reflectingon this personally to understand if I am truly mentally prepared to bring another child into this world.
Anyway that is a for today, Namaste til next time.